


Caillou and Chill

by clxude



Series: Ushiten Week [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: #antigillbertsquad2k16, Crack, I lied I've written so much crack, M/M, Mistakes have been made, satori only wanted to watch anime, semi eita is an enabler, the only time I'll ever write crack tbh, unnecessary sound effects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 19:33:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7067188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clxude/pseuds/clxude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>'Satan is real, and he is inside Eita Semi'.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>All other thoughts left Tendou Satori's mind as the cheerful opening song began. Even before the boy, dressed in a yellow collared shirt and blue pants, began to ride his bike, Tendou considered how he would fare in prison if he was charged with aggravated assault.</p><p>And when that stupid devil incarnate bald child started to sing, murder became his new favourite word.</p><p> </p><p>  <em>"I'm just a kid who's four! Each day I grow some more!"</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Caillou and Chill

**Author's Note:**

> So this is for my beta, [Rey](http://sarcasticspacenerd.tumblr.com/), because she in no way deserved what I put her through. 
> 
> the first 8 minutes of [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2T6xrHGaW4/) is the episode the fic mentions. I recommend watching it so you know what's going on :)
> 
> day 2 of ushiten week//horror

The third years at Shiratorizawa had always been close, if practicing with quiet jokes instead of only the slap of balls on the gym floor as a source of noise counted as a friendship. They were team instead of some teenagers playing with balls; they were unstoppable.

But Tendou and Ushijima were  _ friends,  _ real friends, unlike the rest on the team. They were creatures in the darkness, violent and hungry for blood-

"Do you want to come over to do homework, Satori?"

It wasn't a rare question, but it was unique to an empty club room long after the gym was closed. It wasn't asked moments before Tendou threw a  _ Mikasa _ volleyball into the air for spiking practice in front of the entire team. It was the same with his given name, reserved for muted corners and dark bedrooms. Ushijima didn't use it for the world; it was for them and them alone.

The ball landed just short of Semi, bouncing once before the setter caught it. The sounds accompanying volleyball faded out, until everyone was watching Tendou and Ushijima.

_ What's this? _

_ Ushijima is talking to Tendou, _

_ About what? _

_ Coming over, it sounds like. _

Everyone quieted down from their soft chatting when Tendou smiled over at the ace. He ran his hands through his vibrant red hair, spiking it up.

"Of course. Can we watch  _ The Ring _ again, Wakatoshi?"

Things went back to borderline normal afterwards. Satori yelling  _ Wakatoshi! _ during the middle of a match was a part of life for the duo, and apparently, so was planning their evening like an old married couple.

"We watched that yesterday, though."

"But it's so good! Samara is all like  _ wahh _ and  _ whoosh. _ " He waved his arms around to accompany the sound effects. "I’ll never grow tired of it. And then the part with- "

"I'm picking today," Ushijima frowned thoughtfully. "I haven't picked in ages."

Tendou glared before throwing the volleyball at Semi, shrieking like a banshee when he touched it until Coach yelled at him.

...

"We're not watching  _ The Ring _ again. You poured popcorn kernels down my pants last time."

The club room, packed with nearly every member of the Shiratorizawa men’s volleyball club, gasped at once.

_ You did not, Tendou! Do you think he really did? _

_ Have you ever known Captain to joke about _ anything?

_ I would’ve pissed myself if I did that. _

"But it's so good, Wakatoshi! Can we at least watch  _ Tokyo Ghoul?" _ The space between them was gradually coming to a close, until Satori was gripping the bottom of Ushijima's shirt. He bit his lip, whipping out the puppy eyes in the hopes he would submit.

"No," his large hands firmly pushed Tendou away in the general direction of the showers. "Hurry up."

_ Do you think they're fucking? _

_ Definitely. _

_ No doubt about it. _

...

Their hands brushed as they walked home. It was pleasant, with the sunset on their backs and the wind on their faces. Sometimes, Ushijima's grip on his wrist would tighten for an instant, a gentle squeeze before loosening his grip.

Walking home together wasn't a habit as much as it was an addiction. It was the current state of affairs, and would be forever. There was kissing under every street lamp, fingers on jaws and tongues on teeth, blushed cheeks and soft laughs. It was life as they knew it, and they would never change.

By the time they stumbled into Ushijima's house, they were breathless with near-bruising necks, linked fingers and ruffled hair. Homework was dropped, forgotten at the door, replaced by the Netflix login on Ushijima's computer. They were curled up on his bed, with Satori's head on Wakatoshi's chest. Satori gripped the ace's shirt, playing with the fabric while the other boy messed with his hair. It was perfect, domestic even, as Wakatoshi's fingers carded through his hair, sparkly bobby bins and ribbons filling the redhead's hair.

"What did you want to watch?" Satori asked once the homepage loaded.

"Close your eyes," He pressed a fleeting kiss to Tendou's neck. "It's a surprise."

He was only slightly concerned as he complied. Soon, he could hear Ushijima typing away on his laptop.

"Is it one of Oikawa's space films?" They had never gotten along, but Ushijima had always had a strange fascination with the setter and his talent for the sport. Oikawa had ignored all his advances for a friendship, even going as far to cancel practice matches between the schools. "I don't like him. He's too narcissistic. And he’s a prick."

"And you’re not?” Ushijima snorted. "But no, it's from Semi, actually. He said it was really good."

With a final click and a sweet kiss on Satori's lips, he pulled away his hands.

"Ready?"

...

_ 'Satan is real, and he is inside Eita Semi'. _

All other thoughts left Tendou Satori's mind as the cheerful opening song began. Even before the boy, dressed in a yellow collared shirt and blue pants, began to ride his bike, Tendou considered how he would fare in prison if he was charged with aggravated assault.

And when that stupid  _ devil incarnate bald child _ started to sing, murder became his new favourite word.

_ "I'm just a kid who's four! Each day I grow some more!" _

The singing was off key and high pitched, similar to the sound a cat makes when you run over its tail with a lawn mower.

Even the art style was crude, like Caillou and his negative eighty-three stupid friends had drawn themselves on a cheap digital art tablet.

_ "With Mommy and Daddy, I'm finding my way!" _

Twenty-eight seconds into the episode, Tendou decided, the next time he saw Semi, there would be blood.

_ "Growing up is not so tough, except when I've had enough!" _

With a single verse, Tendou's hatred for humanity increased tenfold.

_ "I'm Caillou, Caillou, Caillou. That's me!" _

_ His laugh causes famine and genocide. _

Forty-seven seconds into the show, Tendou Satori made a startling discovery.

There was a font worse than comic sans.

...

Tendou could almost get into the 'I-found-this-on-iMovie-and-thought-it-was-perfect' knockoff Italian music, until the bald demon announced the name of the episode.

_ "Olive Muddle," _

He said the title the same way Oikawa Tooru said  _ Ushiwaka. _

...

The episode opened with a pseudo cheery jingle and a scene with parents and two children. The little girl's hair looked like an a shriveled up Cheeto.

Tendou suspected an affair; neither parent had bright orange hair, and the girl was too young for harsh dyes.

_ "When's grandma getting here?" _

_ That poor woman. She's too old for this bull shit. _

He made an indignant huff, before cuddling into Wakatoshi's chest in an attempt to block out the sounds off prissy cancer children.

...

"Who the fuck golfs in what she's wearing? Who the fuck even  _ wears _ that?"

The red and lacy long sleeve shirt wouldn't look out of place in a Renaissance painting, if the Renaissance gave a damn about the mother of a demon. The Cheetos daughter hugged her 'father', who was wearing an equally atrocious Not-Christmas jumper.

Wakatoshi's chest rumbled as he laughed at what Tendou said.

"It's part of the show's image. All the characters always wear the same outfit."

"Is that why Caillou is bald? To help with the show's image?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"Huh,"  _ when will the suffering end? _

_ "I went to a special cooking class yesterday, and learned all about olives." _ the grandmother said as she pulled a few jars of the fruit in question out of a goddamn  _ picnic _ basket.  _ "Did you know, they're healthy, and delicious!" _

Tendou and Caillou's noses wrinkled in sync.  _ Dear God, I’m sympathizing with Caillou. _

_ "Caillou had never even heard of olives before!" _ the elderly voiceover announced.  _ "He wondered what they tasted like.” _

"They taste like gym socks." Ushijima stated blandly. Satori giggled softly, glancing up at the spiker's face. He frowned when he saw Wakatoshi's rapt attention was solely focused on the computer.

But, Tendou had to agree. They were a lot like gym socks.

The grandmother set out a plate of homemade olive bread. She chatted happily about her class and all the treats she had made.

_ "Mmm, the olives look like chocolate chips!" _

The narrator was quick to make it clear that they were  _ not  _ chocolate chips.

The Cheetos child enjoyed it, clapping with a drunken smile on her lips.

Caillou, however, had an  _ Office _ like moment. The frame zoomed in on his dissatisfied face as he slowly swallowed down the bread.

_ "So, what did you think, Caillou?" _ their grandmother asked, smiling slightly. It conjured a memory to the surface of Tendou's mind. She was like the witch from  _ Hansel and Gretel _ , but with gross as shit food.

_ "Caillou didn't like the taste of olives, but he didn't know how to tell Grandma!" _ Even the narrator was beginning to get on his nerves.

_ "It was... ah... great!" _

"You lying piece of olive shit."

...

The show continued onto another scene, and Tendou wondered if this was what it was like to slowly go insane.

The grandmother brought out her 'special dipping sauce'. It was a questionable brown color and lumpy. The amount of 'special dipping sauce' was also not proportional to the amount of crackers, just one of the many glaring artistic errors in the show.

_ "Can't you just smell the- " _

_ "Olives." _

Tendou wanted to spike his stupid bald head off.

...

By the time they sat down for dinner, Tendou wanted to throw the computer on the ground.

When the narrator announced that,  _ "Caillou loved pizza, especially the way Grandma made it,"  _ he could only picture the reaction image with the old woman, saying 'honey, you've got a big storm coming.'

Tendou was correct.

The grandmother didn't wait to set the pizza, covered in olives, on the table.

_ "Your favorite and mine, olives!" _

"Does the grandmother realize that they're disgusting?"

"She seemed to have quite enjoyed her cooking class."

"That's not the point, Wakatoshi. It's the principle of it! No character from  _ One Piece _ would ever do such a thing."

_ "Caillou didn't want to eat the pizza, but he couldn't think of a way to tell his grandma." _

"Just break her heart, you little shit."

...

When the first olive was placed in the crayon box, Tendou wanted to cry. They were still playing the 'I-found-this-on-iMovie-and-thought-it-was-perfect' music. Tendou wondered if he would ever hear the soaring melody of the  _ Attack on Titan _ opening, or anything beautiful, again.

The show soon returned to its subpar state of rest, until Caillou tried to feed an olive to his cat.

"Who names a cat Gilbert?" Tendou threw his hands up in the air, but Wakatoshi caught one and pressed it to his mouth. The kiss was gentle, momentarily solving his anger.

It worked until exactly five minutes and six seconds into the show, when the designers tried to be 'cool' and 'hip' and failed miserably. The show, much like how Caillou wasn't worthy of hair, was not worthy of good graphics.

_ "Is something the matter, Caillou?" _

_ "No, I... ah... just saw some dirt on the floor and decided to clean it." _

Tendou had never face palmed so hard in his life.

...

_ "Just wait until you try my special, homemade dessert!" _

"How much food do you think she brought, Satori?"

"Far too much, Wakatoshi."

When Caillou finally confessed his hatred for olives, Tendou gave a sigh of relief. The show was finally ending.  _ Finally. _

_ "I think it's nice that you were worried about my feelings." _

Tendou rolled his eyes. Caillou only cared for himself.

...

When the parents finally got home in their God awful outfits, Tendou could see the light on the horizon. He was almost safe.

_ "That day, Caillou learned that he could he could be honest with Grandma, even when it came to her cooking." _

"How quaint."

...

Satori stopped the computer before it could load the next episode.

He opened his mouth to comment on the episode, but Ushijima beat him to it.

"Maybe we should have watched  _ The Ring _ . You still up for it?"

"Yeah," he draped himself over Wakatoshi, nuzzling his neck. "Yeah, I would like that."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated. Requests are welcome at my [tumblr](http://mother-iwa-chan.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also, this fic officially puts me over 50k for this year *cue confetti cannons*


End file.
